Y’all let me tell you something, the Lord has been working on me! 🙌🏾🙏🏾 I mean really working on my heart in more ways than I can imagine. I debated about sharing this for a long time but I think it’s time. It’s time for me to give my testimony because ultimately that’s how we give God the glory. I’ve learned that God has given me a gift of writing, understanding, and teaching. I never knew how I was supposed to use these gifts, but recently it dawned on me. One way is through this blog. I originally started this blog to be a fashion & lifestyle blog, but God has been telling me to use this as a platform to help other people find Him. I will be raw and real in the things I discuss here but it comes from a place of truth. So I’ll still be blogging about things that are inspiring to me but I will be sharing more faith-based posts as well. I really just want to encourage people who have gone through things as I have, that they can find hope, love, and peace, as I have through Jesus Christ.
While I was still in my innocence lol
⚠️*JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE*⚠️
So I guess I’ll start by saying that I’m not new to church or being a Christian or anything like that. My mom and I used to go to church (sometimes) and my grandma (Lord bless this woman 🙏🏾) was a true lover of Jesus. I really feel like her prayers are what helped to keep me going (she passed away). So I was around the church and everything at a young age. In fact, I begin to love going to church in my adolescent years. I had these neighbors (thank God for them) that were faithful Christians (shoutout to the Cooks) and they would also invite me over or to church and I really learned a lot from them. They would teach me the same values they taught they’re children about God and I didn’t realize this until now that God placed them in my life for a reason. Well, they ended up moving away, and I was devastated. It was really hard for me because not only did they give me a version of the family I’d always wanted (my father was not very involved so I grew up in a single-parent household and my mother worked all the time), but they also kept me in close proximity to God, which was a relationship I longed for. Everything seemed to spiral down after they left.
Me at 15
I started hanging around different people that had more of a negative influence than positive on my life. These kids weren’t bad people but I allowed them to take me off my path. I was around 10 or 11, and my beliefs were that “you shouldn’t smoke”, “you shouldn’t drink”, “you shouldn’t have sex before marriage”, but I started hanging around kids that were doing those things. Not to mention they were much older than me, maybe 14 or 15 years old. Long story short, I started smoking, drinking and I ended up losing my virginity at 12, to a boy that was 16 years old. This wasn’t my first encounter with sex (more on that later), but this was my first time having sex. I was pressured by my “friends” because they thought I was a “goody-two-shoes” and I wanted to prove them wrong. So I finally gave in, and gave away my most precious possession to my friend’s older cousin. He wasn’t even someone I was involved with or had a relationship with. Afterward, I felt awful. I immediately got my period the day after and I felt like I was being punished by God because I knew better. I’d be the one preaching to my friends about what was right and wrong in God’s eyes and I went against Him. I felt like my relationship with God changed and it was never the same after that point. It’s almost like I was Jonah and had been running from God since that incident.
After losing my virginity, I thought, “well now that I’ve sinned, it doesn’t matter what I do”. I began to live my life in a way that contradicted everything I learned about living life "the right way". I just didn’t care anymore. I felt like God was upset with me and I could never make Him happy again. That mixed with my “daddy issues”, being bullied at school, identity issues and depression (to the point where I needed therapy), caused the period of my life between ages 12 – 15 to be very difficult. I mean I was so troubled during this time, and I had tried to get back to God. I just didn’t know how and was too far gone to figure it out. Things were bad at home, I didn’t feel loved or wanted and felt like everyone had given up on me. Like this was a horrible time for me. I’d continue to give myself to guys (and eventually girls) that didn’t care about me, looking for love in all the wrong places, just to continue to feel empty. Many times I wanted to give up. I’d contemplate running away and even suicide, which I actually tried (although I was a kid a didn’t realize I couldn’t kill myself with Tylenol 🤦🏾♀️). But that was my goal, to end it all. That period of time was some of my darkest moments.
Me at 18
Finally, I just gave up on men altogether and started dating only women when I was 15. I’d had a few girlfriends, but the most significant relationship was one I held for 7 years. At the time, she was my everything. She understood me and my pain. She didn’t judge me (at first) and was really there for me. I felt like she was the only one that cared about me and was there for me. I was 15 and she had just turned 18 (I never dated people my age). One of our first dates and moments together was at the mall, I can’t remember every detail but I remember before that date we’d have a conversation about my past and I cried my eyes out to her about the things I had been through. She ended up taking me shopping to help me feel better, because I was really down (she did this often because I loved to shop. She did this also after my grandmother passed). That was a gesture that I’d never forget and from that point on, I felt like she really cared. Ultimately, she became my best friend, not just my lover.
Me and my ex-girlfriend
Things at home between me and my mom still weren’t that good (Lord and Mom, 🙏🏾 forgive me! I was a rebellious child) and I wanted out. I just couldn’t bear living in that environment because I was always depressed and sad. I decided I wanted to get emancipated at 16, although I couldn’t legally because I didn’t have enough money. So my “hero” girlfriend surprised me for my birthday with the lease to our new apartment. I was so excited, I thought this was my ticket out of the hell I’d been living in (or that’s what it felt like at the time). I’d say my mom had her reservations about it, but I’m learning now that she just wanted her children to be happy. She saw a lot the pain and things I’d been going through, so because I felt this was the only way to be happy, she allowed it. So I moved out and moved into my apartment with my girlfriend. Things quickly changed after that.
She had recently graduated high school but I had not. A lot of my personal issues and depression made me make some bad choices in school, and I’d fallen way behind (I’d been expelled and held back twice). It was also hard for me to concentrate in school and I had to take care of my newborn baby brother at night (when my mom worked), which didn’t allow for much sleep so I’d fall asleep in class. Don’t get me wrong, I was not a dumb kid. I excelled in my classes when I actually put forth the effort and was always on the A/B honor roll. But I was back in the state of “it’s a little too late for me to even try”, so it was hard for me to push through. I knew I wanted to graduate high school. My goal was to be the first one in my family, so I’d do whatever it took to make that happen, even if that meant graduating a year later. My counselor, in school, and I made a plan that would actually allow me to graduate on time. I’d take my regular day classes but I’d also take night classes for the next year to accelerate my process. I was so excited that I’d had a chance to finish out my goal. I told my girlfriend about it and she was not happy. I was so surprised but this is when things started to change for us. I started to see a different side of her that I’d never experienced. She told me that she didn’t want a “girl that was still in high school”. Her words to me were “what I look like dropping my girlfriend off at school when I’ve already graduated?” 💔 That hurt me to the core, the one person that had always been there for me, didn’t support me. It hurt and at first, I just thought, “fine, I’ll do it without you”. But it was very difficult for me considering our apartment was on the other side of town from my school and I didn’t have a car. Eventually, I fell back into depression and it was too much for me, so I dropped out. I got my GED and left all my dreams of graduating behind (crazy me, I ended up leaving college for this relationship too. Not because she made me but because I couldn’t fathom us being in different states 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️, along with some other financial issues).
I feel like that was God’s way of telling me that the relationship I was in was bad for me but I ignored every sign and inkling inside of me. I knew then after that moment I should’ve left and gone home but I was so attached and afraid of losing the only thing I thought I had. Things went further south as time went by. She began to be verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. She would say all sorts of mean things to me. Soon enough that abuse escalated to physical abuse. People would always say, “well y’all are two women, I would’ve just fought back”. Those people don’t understand the nature of who I am. I am not a fighter and have never believed in it. Like, I’m the person that hates war and guns. I just always believed in peace. I got punched in the face when I was about 13 by a girl that wanted to fight me for no reason. I literally walked away. It just wasn’t in my nature (not to mention I was afraid of getting jumped by her family who was watching 😳😅). So when the person I loved the most started to hit me, I just couldn’t understand why and couldn’t believe I’d gotten myself in the situation. I tried to leave many times but, because I couldn’t bear living at home, she’d always manipulate me to come back. I stayed in that relationship for 7 years, dealing with drama, fights, cheating, abuse, and everything else, even after the love was gone. I was so misguided. I started trying to get closer to God again because I was fed up. I was so done putting myself in these situations and God had been calling me back to Him for a while.
At 19, I started hearing God’s voice again
During my relationship, I started feeling guilty because I knew being in that homosexual relationship was wrong in God’s eyes. I would find myself crying constantly out the blue because God was telling me I needed to leave that relationship. I would pray every day for God to send me a man that was like my girlfriend, who could be my best friend, who would love and support me because I felt like she was all I had. I was so afraid of letting go. Well, we ended up getting into a huge fight after the club one night. She punched me square in the jaw and chipped my tooth. That was it for me, I blacked out and fought back with everything in me. I just remember ending up at a gas station with her in handcuffs and the police asking me if I wanted to press charges. I didn’t press charges or send her to jail, but I was done. After all the crazy mess we’d been through, that was the last straw for me. I was 22 when that relationship finally ended.
Going back to church, trying to find my way
After that, I was still depressed. I thought it was something wrong with me that I kept attracting the wrong people. I began my journey with Christ again, but I felt lost without her in the beginning. She was really the only person I hung around. I felt like she was the only friend I had, so after that, I felt like once again, I had nobody. So again I set off to “find” love, this time I was done with females. I began dating guys again. I ended up meeting this guy that I thought was the one for me. I mean I heard God’s voice when I met him, saying “he’s the one you’ve been praying about”. He was handsome, had style, was romantic (he cooked dinner for me on our first date), could cook, was talented, and (Lord, have mercy), we both liked to talk in a British accent. I was smitten from the first time I saw him. I feel like it was love at first sight for both of us. But God gave me clear instructions, if I wanted this to work out, I was not to have sex with him. Well, um, that plan didn’t really work out. We had sex with each other and became super attached. I would literally spend the night at his apartment every night. But then both our insecurities started kicking in. I didn’t trust him and started to see the “player” in him, and he didn’t trust me. (For good reason, I was newly single and wildin’ to say the less). Long story short, we’d be in a back and forth “thing” for 6 years. I would betray his trust and loyalty and he made sure I felt it every day. He began to ignore me and treat me like I didn’t matter to him, which brought back my insecurities and depression about feeling wanted and loved. And because I felt like he was the absolute one for me (I mean, God said so, right? 🤔), I didn’t understand why we just couldn’t get it right. I later realized God couldn’t bless that because I didn’t obey Him in the beginning. And while He was trying to save me from the 6-year heartache I put myself through, I didn’t trust God enough and I just couldn’t let go, once again.
I knew it was really bad when I got into a relationship (after I thought this was over) with the most perfect man I could imagine, and ended up having an emotional affair (with said “The One”) while we were together. I couldn’t understand how God could bring this perfect man (except for the fact that he didn’t believe in God) into my life, and here I was still thinking about and dealing with a man that told me time and time again that he didn’t love me (why couldn’t I get over him!). I was so confused. I was angry with myself, angry with God for allowing this to happen, I was returning to that depressed state I thought I’d never see again. Here I was, yet again, feeling lost. Not only was I having trouble in my romantic relationships but in my friendships too. There was always something going wrong, I started to feel like it was me. I even had one friend that I started to follow her beliefs about the Israelites and fell into this whole “black power, white people are evil, Jesus isn’t real” phase. (Yea, I was way far out 😩). Also, my business plans were falling through and I became overwhelmed trying to run a business. Finally, I gave up my life. Not through death but by giving it to God. I just couldn’t continue to do this to myself. I couldn’t continue making decisions for myself, for them to come back to slap me in the face. I was done. I surrendered my life to God because I was done making stupid decisions thinking I had it all figured out. My younger sister sent me the #RelationshipGoals Series from Pastor Mike Todd at Transformation Church. I started taking my walk with God more seriously than I had ever before, reading my Bible constantly and staying engaged with the Word. I didn’t start going to an actual church but I would watch sermons online. Slowly, God began His work on my heart.
They say, “When a woman cuts her hair, she about to make some changes”
I moved back home (I was living in Atlanta with my boyfriend, at the time) and began to really focus on letting God transform my life. I was done running. I wanted to focus on what God had planned for me and walk into the calling He placed on my life. I vowed to be celibate, but of course, I had some temptations that followed (which included said “The One” 🙄). Unfortunately, I allowed myself to fall back into the trap of the enemy and was depressed and derailed all over again. I got involved with someone who used me, I quit my job and couldn’t afford to pay my rent, bills, and car note. Every night in my apartment I would cry to God about the decisions I’d made, how I messed up my life, asking for forgiveness, and for God to please change me and my life. One day I was reading my Bible and the Lord spoke to me clear as day in the verses of 📖 Luke 5:27-28, “Later, as Jesus left the town, he saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at his tax collector’s booth. “Follow me and be my disciple,” Jesus said to him. So Levi got up, left everything, and followed him.” So that’s what I did. I left everything behind. Literally I packed about 5-6 outfits in a suitcase, my Bible along with some other comforting possessions and left. I thought I was headed to Oklahoma. I felt like because the church that opened my eyes was there and the cost of living was extremely low, that I’d make my way there. Then I had a great “idea” to stop in Dallas to see my family there since it had been years. (I didn’t realize until later that it was God’s plan to plant me here). My aunt told me I should stay, so I thought, “Hey, why not?” So I stayed and here I am now.
Me in Texas
I got distracted a little when I first got here, partying, and just not doing what God intended me to do. But I felt that depression trying to sneak back into my life and I was not about to have it. So I was prayerfully lead to a church called ⛪️ Koinonia Christian Church. I went to a service and felt overwhelmed by the presence of God. I rededicated my life to Christ that day and haven’t looked back. I’m still working on my heart but God has shown Himself to me in so many ways that I just can’t go back to living the way I was. I am so done with that life. I recently signed up to be baptized for the first time so I can officially say I’ve put that old life to death and have been brought back to life as a new creation. It wasn’t until I wholeheartedly surrendered myself and submitted to Christ that I saw my life change right before my eyes! I just want to encourage you reading this that there is hope. You don’t have to continue living in the darkness, but God can’t do His work if you aren’t serious about it. No more one foot in, one foot out, or only depending on the Lord when you need Him to get you out of something. Be all in and God will do a work in your life that you didn’t know He could do, even if you’ve been raised in the church. It doesn’t make sense until you start to get serious, surrender to Him, and really listen & do what He says. I pray that you can use my story as an inspiration to keep going. Keep seeking God and He will come to meet you, wherever you are. He doesn’t want us to be perfect, He just wants us to depend on him. God bless! ❤️✝️
It gets hard on this journey, but I’m glad God granted me peace
Join my Facebook Bible Study group for more inspiration.
